the shadi show

I am a girl without anchor Navigating an ocean of treacherous loneliness and gentle betrayal To bear the scorn of men with hearts less well-travelled and battle worn Looking on from such great distances That of course I must seem small They can't see How every smile is a battle won How every kind word is an earnest war-cry into the unknown But mostly That staying afloat is my beacon to carry on.

Dear Reader, I’m so glad I was able to finish that last post. It’s a bit of a momentous occasion for me – it is the first thing I have successfully finished in a very long time. For the past few years, I have let go of things that I have been responsible for and let countless people down over and over again. I have been absent and flaky and unreliable.   Unreliable .   I’ve really grown to hate that word – it is so separate from the person I was when I was growing up. Young Shadi was never unreliable. She was clever and organised and ambitious. She wrote a great deal and worked very hard and achieved things and never let anyone down. She could have been anything. Done anything. Older Shadi’s not very good at getting out of bed. Older Shadi has periods of blankness – a zombie-state where she can barely feel or comprehend anything around her. She hardly even hears anything. There isn’t really anything going on in her mind, either, except perhaps the urge to lie down in a dark r

To the lovers of the world, I love Valentines Day. For those of you who know me, this may come as a surprise - I am that odd mix of terrible cynic and hopeless romantic that can be only be found in certain Tumblr fandoms - but love it I do. I love it for the same reason that I love Taylor Swift songs and Doctor Who and fairytales - because they are earnest. Unabashedly so. I love them because they are fearless in their belief in and portrayal of happy endings.  If you think about it, even the people who are woebegone because they are 'terminally single' or because they've had their heart broken or because they feel sorry for themselves for being alone on a day when people are supposed to be together, have the same kind of earnestness. I don't think anyone can believe those things without feeling like they deserve love, at least on some level. I think it's a very marvellous thing indeed to live in a world where people can and do believe they deserv